coffeed breakfast

how is it that i have absolutely nothing to do

yet so much that i want to do

standards

" you're so special, you know that?"
" no im not. im a loser. youre the special one. youre so special, you have no idea."
" hmm. well u say im special right?"
" yeah."
" well a special person would only look for a special person to be with."
...

simba

a special jewel like u shud be placed in a solid box away from dirt and the sharp edges. i wish i could do that. protect u

but u know far more than i do.
in fact, youre very much solid.
the jewel? my heart.. perhaps.


im sorry
somehow the same old shit keeps following me everywhere i go. or perhaps i keep following it
but ur always being my box. n i dont deserve it

bermuda triangle

open up and tell me how u feel
i want u to but u refuse

be honest and stop hiding things
u want me to but i refuse


realize just how lucky i am now.
i want to.. but i refuse.

internal conflict.. yet again

some things are best left unsaid.
but to be honest th years ahead is exactly the reason why im holding up so well.
cos i know somewhere along the lines, things will change for the better.
not just yet tho.

right now all i feel is anger. eats me up inside. we fight, a lot, and it probably doesnt affect him as much as it does me. sometimes i can actually feel the fire seething in my heart. which is why i need an outlet.. or perhaps, a distraction.

on the other hand, i am... doubtful. of the things i say and the decisions i make. careful not to let history repeat itself once more. fool me once, shame on u. fool me twice? never happening.

love is

monday, 21/12/09 - elizabeth's christmas party

two guys and i were in a heated argument about what seemed to be the definition of love.
" let me ask u then, what is love to u?" he asks me excitedly.

i sat there, dumbfounded by a question with a topic so subjective and deep, i would have to be in an extremely intense situation or extremely mellowed-out in order to answer this question.
" umm. i cant answer that now. its too general." i said.

" no its simple. what is love?" he asks again.
" energy!!!" chimed a fellow cheerleader who was standing behind me.
" well okay according to ms cheerleader over here, love is energy."
" no, no. love is gentle, love is kind." says the party host herself, who is, evidently, a devout Christian.

laughter fills the room as, from the adrenaline-induced cheerleader to bible-quoting girl, a variety of definitions were shouted out.

" there are different meanings to love. but to me," he started, " love is life. life is love. its simple as that." his hands swayed in enthusiasm as he preached.

" im just saying," i began to digress. " when u say 'i love u' to this person, how can u say those three words again to the next person ur with? if there's no definition to it, then why say it in the first place?"
"cos its just experience girl." he then began to explain the different definitions of cinta and sayang, as well as the sayang we feel for our parents and our friends, talking about a different game entirely.

tuesday, 22/12/09 - msn

a: out of curiosity, what is love to u?
b: what i had before with u

an hour later, i then asked my dad, what is love. " love is always...being in love with your wife."
mom then smirks, " he's saying that cos im in front of him."

love can be so many things.
but i think, love is only when it's real, sincere and complementary:)

new contact

" the reason why i didnt save your number was cos..." you started.
" i felt like i didnt deserve to."

that caught me off guard. one usually chooses to put another's contact number into oblivion either as a way of moving on or an expression of an apparent grudge. i remember doing so myself not too long ago.
only to realize that it was already permanently etched in my brain.

" you'd be one of the first few numbers that i'd save whenever i get a new phone." i muttered under my breath, annoyed at how ... thoughtful i always am when it comes to him.

guilt, you said.
you then explained that seeing my name in your phone would simply evoke a feeling of guilt in you, (considering the history that we've had). hence you chose to avoid so by not having me keyed in your phone entirely. it comforts me to know that you do, in fact, have a heart after all. sometimes i forget that.

" but i just saved your number. so..." you drifted off, letting the silence do the job of stating the obvious.

just shoot me already

i like to listen to people.
listen to their problems- not to judge, but to help them.
but sometimes i empathize too much that i feel like im the one wearing the shoes
and i feel like death.

denial is admittance

No I don't!
Yes I do
No I really don't!
Yes I really do

No I didn't!
A month later..
Yeah I so did.

internal conflict

... sometimes i get weak and i stumble as i tread upon the sins of life.
and then guilt would come sneering at me.

oh the pain of living...

curses

" its my birthday today." she said.
fuck. its mom's birthday today and she had to call to remind me.
silently stabbing myself in the heart over and over again with a ragged, rusty knife called guilt, i apologized profusely and hung up the phone.
what is the matter with me? i've changed into such a heartless bitch.

speaking of...

" bitcchh." he swore ever so passionately.
you talk about her with such fury. sometimes it makes me wonder, perhaps you havent fully gotten closure from her.
taller prettier . better in basically every godfrickin way
if he still has unresolved anger(issues) over his old flame, he's probably still beating himself up over the fact that the relationship's become a 'what was once'. it should mean something, shouldnt it?

" slut." the other one swore, a solid two hours later.
the room smelled fresh of cigarette smoke. i was silent.
" she's not a slut. just not who you thought she was." i tried to console him. but the words slipped off like jello sliding on linoleum floor.
"slut." he spat out once more. " how could she do this to me? she's acting as if nothing happened."
" i'm sure your previous girls have done bad things as well. things that you dont know of. people do shit. she's only done one mistake -just one. you cant judge her by that."
he got up. "i need beer or something..."

mistakes. we only bring it out on ourselves..

thanks but i'll pass

tired. really really tired

emotionally drained. i need someone influential. but too bad i let that one go a long time ago.
im just gonna isolate myself from the world for a few weeks until i regain composure once more

until then.

young child

"Your mind is still clean," he said, draping his arms around me.
I frowned, "what's that supposed to mean?"
" You haven't seen the real world yet." He says, holding me tighter as we got off the escalator of GPO.
Excuse me?

 I thought I'd left the whole 'naïve' name-calling back at home where my dad is(god bless his soul)
I separated myself from him, starting to feel the fury seething inside me.
When I was young I'd always been the one who'd be the joke in the group, the young one- the blur one, always being put down.
My dad would talk to me as if I was a child who was never exposed to the realities in life, perhaps his way of protecting me or his denial of believing that I am just like any other curious human being.
Now that he's brought it up, calling me that when I am already eighteen years old its uncovered a bitter side of me. One that I've hidden ages ago..

bitching

" you were mostly dissing materialistic people," i said to him, a fellow friend and a true nonconformist who blogs regularly on the sarcastic liberationfromanisland :

"Some claim to be attracted to depth but lack it themselves, such is the irony."

max brenners on a thursday evening. bliss.
" i was talking about people who pretend to be materialistic when they're really not- sort of like myself." he then laughs giddily. he was the defintion of blatancy, one of the traits he has of which i admire.
hmm... my mind wandered as i sipped my yellow granita.

funny how we tend to have such passion whenever we speak ill of someone yet in reality the negativity is only a reflection of ourselves.
no?

stop dissing for a second. and really listen to what you just said.

they keep on coming

1. Friend got drunk and had to ditch the party to take care of him
2. Friend's wallet got stolen
3. Was a fugitive aka locked out from my own room for three days straight
4. Phone got stolen
5. Visa went missing

And that was just last weekend.

bad days bad days

watchu gonna do

whatchu gonna do

when they come for u

sometimes it takes a stupid accident

to make you realize how stupid you are

an old memory

I still love you. But that’s not the point now is it?
The sentences were yelling at my face as I became more and more captivated by the Japanese-translated novel that was gripped in my hands. The book was a gift given by an old flame during his skiing holiday in Japan. Ironically, the story line seemed all too familiar to me.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

5. 45 pm. The clock displayed.
Fifteen minutes left. I sighed heavily as I recalled the conversation he and I had just earlier that afternoon.

“ So what’s your answer?”
“ Um, I’m out right now. Can we talk about this some other time?”
“ Okay…But have you thought about it?”
“ No. I still need some time.”
“ How much time do you need?”
“ Two days max but I promise to call you today.”
“ Alright. What time?”
“ Uh, 6?
“ That’s late. I can’t wait that long.”

“ Then don’t wait for me!”

I don’t know if I was being naïve but that sounded like such an easy task to do. But once it came out of my mouth, I realized what injustice I’d given him. He sounded forlorn and desperate whilst there I was, having lunch and some flirty banter with some mates out in the sunny weather, sounding amused rather than regret. I cant say that I didn’t feel bad. Admittedly, as a person who is strongly against polygamy, it was wrong of me to do it. But it was an impulse. A spur of the moment. A firing pleasure so satisfying that gets soaked by guilt and regret once it reaches its peak. And once it dies, the sticks begin to recollect themselves once more, repeating the beautiful but depraved occurrence again.
6pm. I took a long sip of green tea for the last time, savouring its light and delicate taste in my mouth and finally got out of my room.

stella

you may think your only choice is to either swallow your anger or throw it in someones face
but there's a third option
you can just let it go
and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.

and that was the perfect ending to a perfect love story
it just wasnt mine

ted.

careful!

I have this fear of throwing away my blackberry into th bin whenever I dump something into the trash using the same hand that's clutching my phone.
You can see how I'm not at all the clumsy kind.

Left out (v.)

1. To let remain or have remaining behind after going, disappearing, ceasing, etc
2. That ache in my heart when I watch you two laughing hysterically together

not for ones with a significant half

I could probably count the number of times my dad reminded me not to get myself commited with anyone before I do my degree. An estimate? About a 1000 times.
So it's understandable that my no-commitment attitude is permanently etched onto my skin.
A scoff would be expected as soon as you read the word 'dad' at the first sentence, but before you start scrolling away, let me elaborate that studies werent involved within his reasons for liberty.
His main reason? Opportunity costs. Economists, please stand up.
Opportunity costs are basically the alternatives that you miss out on when youre focussed on something else.
In this case, my dad didnt want me to catch a fish and show it off out in the open.
He still wanted me to feed the other fishes in the sea.
He didnt want me to close up shop and hang the CLOSED sign slapbang on the front door. He wanted me to stay open 24/7 like Seven Eleven. And perhaps sell some real good-tasting slurpees while we're at it.
Hence this explains why most of my past relationships would consist of me persistenly telling my boyfriends to date other girls and hell, you can even go third base if you want- while they, on the other hand wouldnt return the same offer to me. Which is a bit unfair dont u agree?
I dont know. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. Maybe I'm just being realistic and a commitment non-believer. Or maybe I'm just goddamn cynical.

an old flame

"never go back to your ex" i'd tell those who would have second thoughts about their past partners, knowing fully well that even i sometimes can commit the biggest contradiction.
why do we tend to have- nay, why do we even consider going back to something that is over to begin with? it mustve ended for a reason. therefore, the reason is a good enough of a validation for you to make you realize that repeating history would only be another confusing emotional tsunami.
but
there's just this gleeful exciting thing about sneaking around and doing something against the law. about going back to someone who used to know you so well. and quenching your undying thirst of curiosity about your ex and his current life. is he seeing anyone right now? does he still kiss sloppily? is he taller?
i'm probably gonna regret this. lets just allow time to tell

overload

" you think too much you know that?" he said to me the other night, our faces just inches apart.
yeah. only recently. i answered silently.
" tell me what youre thinking." he then asks.
but having said that, the solid fort that contained all my deepest thoughts only grew stronger.
i couldnt tell him. he'll only judge me
thoughts that are too shameful and ludicrous. ones that go against the laws and ethics of relationships and the world, in general
picturesque images of lust and blood.

thank god that only superheroes could read minds

hole. ( pt 1)

high. dizzy. delirium

theyre asleep as im typing this. or atleast, pretending to be. i dont blame them. i dont blame you. i dont blame anyone. blaming is the last thing i should be doing right now

the music seeped into my brain. pictures were moving. literally spinning. four people were sat around me, all hushed in silence and falling into their own oblivion. the music got louder, and my head spun to the music. colours getting blurry and despite having my eyes half-closed, i was falling into a dark dark pit of darkness.

i cant even get myself to listen to music anymore. im too scared.

as the darkness came nearer and nearer reality would come back, forcing me to open my eyes and realize what the fuck youre getting into.

" slow it down babe. slow it down" she muttered, laying a hand on my shoulder. but i couldnt control it any longer. back. out. in. out. in. out.

i heard snickers around me. shit, is this real? this is really fucking real. he's sitting here right in front me. the real him. and im here like the nights entertainment. a motherfucking joke thats amusing them.

suddenly the picture bursts into tiny million pieces. ah right that must be my brain cells frying themselves. everything became tiny coloourful droplets and before anything else could happen i force my eyes to open once more. focus. focusing on his eyes. the picture starts to stay still. but only his face. the three people around me were still moving. fucking scary. jesus christ

" how come youre normal? youre insanely sane!" i remember saying that to the other one. he looked calm, unlike me. my words were slurring. almost as if some other person was taking over i was unawarely saying things that were beyond my control. now i get it - word vomit.

" i dont feel so good" i tell her. and start falling into a deep state of trance again. must be the fucking music that was pumping hell into me.

" ok babe. babe." she slaps my face. " babe ur fucking pale."

i wake up. i dont feel so good, i tell her once more. she brings me to the toilet. we stumble.

i grabbed the sink and looked at myself. FUCK. FUCK FUCK JESUS FUCK

it was like staring into a bloody corpse. only it was bloodless and dying. fast.

it was like all the blood had drained off my face. i was terrified.

i dont wanna die.

nausea. vomit. she helps me. i apologize profusely. embarrassed.

i look into the mirror, trying to recognize the girl. i looked into my eyes. come on, come back. come back. u know who she is. or do u?

i had to use the toilet and send her out. she waits. and comes back in.

i felt terrible. still dizzy. about to pass the fuck out. she comforts me.

he came in, handed me a coke and went out. asks me if i was alrite. " what do u think? look at me." white glow radiated off my skin was too obvious to ignore.

a few minutes later.

" babe its ok you just took a bit too much. thers no such thing as dying out of an overdose."

" call her."

" alrite." but her phone went to voicemail. she tried a few more times. i was shit scared.

she told me sit down on the floor.

my head rested against the toilet bowl. just like in the movies. i purged again. jesus fuck , what is that-yesterdays thai food??

she decides to go. she brings me out.

i see cabs. god we're on the streets. god. oh god. please dont end this life by crashing me into a taxi. please god please.

i tried to stay careful, leaning against the safe side and pulling her away from coming too close. she was panicking. at the same time i was also thinking about the other one. him. i kept asking if he was gonna come. seeing him felt like the best thing right now. comfort. home. safe. he protected me the whole nite before this shit happened. he's the right thing to do.

fast forward and we finally reached home. i fell into bed. comfort. dizzy

he comes and i surprsingly retreated. well who wouldnt, i had just thrown up a second ago, next to my bed. gross.

" nonononono. i dont want YOU to see this." i backed away frm him as he sits down at the edge of my bed.

i look like a maniac. god. he switches off the lights and they went off to talk as i tried to sleep.

i heard him roughly clean the cups. it was solemnly quiet. i wonder what was going through his mind at that precise moment. i walk to the divider and peeped out. he looked serious.

but finally the girl calls back. and i talk to her. soothing voice putting me back into reality. we talk.

i just need reassurance. i needed someone to tell me what to do. whats the right thing to do in this kinda situation. i was afraid of falling into sleep in case there wasnt gonna be a next day.

we continue talking.

she updates me with her stories, distracting me from the devils lure and everything starts to calm down. yet i was still shivering like crazy. i held the conversation and asked for a blanket.

she came and covered me. i thought she looked rather angy.

in the end everything came down to normal. the world finally stayed still as i continue talking to her. i end the call, despite her wanting to talk some more.

but i said no i gotta brush my teeth.

ok, she said. drink loads of water. she said some other stuff but we'll get to that later.

now here i am. the next morning. theyre moving arnd in their sleep- i think its my loud typing. i dont kn ow what to say. i cant think of the right words or even a word to say to them. my head still has a bit of a blood shot feeling. thats when i feel like thers a rush of blood in my brains. hurts

im scared. i dont want to vomit again. should i drink water? dont know. thers a bucket of vomit waiting for me to give it a wash next to my bed. but im afraid to go past him in case i wake him up. he, who was asleep on the floor beside her, who was on the couch.

whats gonna happen next? guilt all over. guilt as i showered. wetting my hair seemed like the right move. guilt as i recalled the cringeworthy incidents. the vivid scenes flashing in my head. what was that? who were u?

this is so wasnt what i expected. help. im sorry

new moon

nows th time to stop rewinding and just move forward.

im gonna forgive and forget. not u but myself. the old me the old stories. the old life. cos all its doing- is weighing you down.

todays a good day, despite the heavy rain. in fact the rain made it all the better.

the cold chill makes yr heart beat faster.

your skin soft and un-warm.

and makes u feel alive more than ever.

but dont forget the sun. he accompanied me. occasionally.

its a good day today. let it be that way

playeristic

they want what they cant get. once they have it, they move on to another.
im gonna prove u all wrong mothersuckers.

im u. only i do it better.

delusional

sometimes we go back to the times when things were easier. when the sun shone brighter and the air felt lighter- happy, perhaps what used to be.
and we'd wonder, what happened? why did things change?
when truth is, nothing changed. you wanted change. you anticipated for it to occur.
the sun was never brighter nor the air, lighter. you were just fooling yourself into thinking that things were fine back then. really, it wasnt. it was already messy from the start.

sordid saturday

work is piling up up and up!
actually no its been the same old pile i just have not budged from where ive been sitting.
which is on my sad pathetic ass.
why should i get good grades? rather for the satisfaction i get once i please my parents.. and perhaps that miniscule feeling that im still loved by god ergo, he gives me a chance for some momentary happiness.
whatshits.
u come online and i just stare at yr name. blaghghhhaah

missing

the one who got awayyyyyy

blah

last nite, after hanging out with my friends and amusing them with my tales of dilemmas, it made me wonder, maybe having that many friends isnt rly a good thing after all. sometimes it just makes u more confused stressed out and frowned upon. i dunno.... depends.

the one who read my mind

" come on, freida. Who doesnt feel empty or down or lost. i'm not saying you havent been thru alot in yr life, cause everyone has. i've been thru alot more than i think of. and what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. sure, fuck. that's easy to say, alot easier said than done, no? but that's the whole point. i guess life was never meant to be easy, not for us at least. i know yr pretty confused right now, not about this message but about everything that's going on. And i'm certain you dont really know what to do, but dont just go with the flow or jump into things just for the sake of it for now. you know what i'm talking about.yr a smart girl...."

what do u do when the devil understands u so much?

sweet home

first thing as i stepped in : cried my head off.

i hope ur fine

it is the sacrifice u make in life that makes it worth it

"im doing this for YOU."

done

out of tears. out of thoughts. out of words. and ur out

strong

everytime my mind starts to think of you or anything close to reminding me of u, id tell myself no. sometimes id even say it out loud, no no no. and the thoughts would gradually sink in until i feel nothing but a remotesense of normalcy. but sometimes th memory wud b too powerful and before i could stop myself a heavysob fills my throat. like when i was thinking of the beautiful jewelreies i have. and how the necklace u gave mewas the prettiest one of all. i'd wear it everyday, even when im flirting around, just to remind myself. thats it.as a reminder. of what? i dont know. but it felt like a part of me. and now that ive let it go and left it on the dressing table, i dont have the reminder anymore. i dont have anything to look forward to. im alone.

green tea

everyone looks the same these days
its gettin old people

am i happy?
pretty much...

" in the end it all comes down to what helps u sleep at nite.

whether its a strong sense of denial or ... "

whenever i have faith u give me a reason not to

wonder wonder

" i want someone who i can talk to about anything at all" he said one day
is that even possible? to have that special someone who ur not afraid of telling ur deepest darkest secret. and when u tell them ur problems ur not worried that they'll judge u. could it possible exist between two lovers?
" do u believe that two people could get married without going thru the whole relationship phase?" he asked me today
" what.. u mean two close friends who suddenly decide to get married?"
" yeah. but they dont do th boyfriend girlfriend things."
its a pretty good idea actually. u fight less.
" yeah... and there's less pressure."
sometimes when we're in a couple we tend to think that we must 'act' like a couple. so sometimes it can be superficial. its taken me this long to finally conclude that i can never confide in you. i just cant.


does being able to talk frankly and so openly with someone make that as 'chemistry'?
is it not normal for couples to have filtered communication?
if the answers yes then does that mean we're not meant to be?

amuse me

ive got a toy. it sings and it entertains me
altho it isnt made of diamond like how i would want it to be, it makes me happy nevertheless

umakemelikethis

epiphanies

" i havent seen her for 8 months now,!" a friend of mine said to me, casually describing the complicated long distance relationship he's currently in. my eyes widened for a brief moment.
" do you love her?"
" can i say that 'i'm supposed to?' " he answers with a playful smile.
i laugh in response.
only later that day did i realize how messed up it was- the fact that two people who are so fond of each other manage to hold on without physically being in each others presence for 8 months... and his reply...
how many of us often fail to differentiate that fleeting sensation of lust and that intense irrevocable feeling of love. we get bored so easily these days, relationships are usually a touchNgo kind of occurance.
i understand now.
its okay.

sangat marah

i am so angry. i am furious! today has such bad karma! arrrrgghghhhhhhhhhhhhh
I AM SO PISSED AT YOU
YOU NEVER LEARN

relationship

rough, dense, almost compact
suffocating
the roots struggle about
seeping and writhing through
searching for the firm grip of the clump
some holds dearly
some gets crushed by the likes of
stones and gravity;
balance
the leaves cry
balance
as the roots hold on tighter
the blooms look up to the heavens.

melbourne so far

sadness

why do you always visit us during the worst time of the month?

everynight i would force myself to sleep just because i dont want to cry and sulk myself to sleep thinking about the people back home (especially you). so everytime i feel like sleeping,i would just jump on to the bed without brushing my teeth without taking my pants off and pray hard to god to help me sleep soundly tonight. and so far, it worked. - d.

two sides of a story

now im sure youve had your fair share of judging and criticising someone only to realize eventually that you've got them all wrong. ive had moments where i hear rumours about people doing this and that and i go, ' owwh no she did-ent!!' , totally caught up by the scandalous stories and those steamy stuff you wouldnt even dream of seeing them doing. but then i'd meet the talked-about and surprisingly, they seem to have stories that definitely deserve to be heard. see there's a saying i like to live by and it goes there's two sides to a coin. the bad person might not be so bad after all. dont judge a person from their mistakes. for like the seasons, people change. so the person whom you might be hating now, or the person who you've been holding a grudge on, might not be the same person tomorrow.

what are u looking at

My old primary school was located right in the middle of a metropolitan district and we, the kiddies, were given a large chunk of tarred land that was stuck between tall skyscrapers, a busy two way road and the school building itself as a playing ground. Cars would zoom past us, filling the air with obnoxious honks and stale smoke. I didn’t care. We played chase. We ran out lungs out. We screamed. We shrieked. We laughed. The world was my oyster and I couldn’t care less about who was staring at us. I was a kid. Naivety was my best friend. But then things started to change. I started to develop emotional feelings for other people. My body’s physique began to transform and I felt foreign. Maturity was my idol. I attracted more eyes but this time, I was concerned. I would feel self conscious and nervous, wondering whether those who were starting at me were acquaintances or whatever. I didn’t like being judged. I didn’t like the feeling of sets of eyes piercing through my soul, roaming down my body, judging the features of my face and so on. I felt like it was the dirtiest thing in the world. And up til now, I would still feel that way.

easter [ ē'stər ]

n.

1. a day where all the shops close except for the ones sellin food and stuff. hows that fair? they get paid extra or somthin?
2. a day before i fly off to my sweet sweet homeland
3. A Christian feast commemorating the Resurrection of Jesus. ??
4. happy easter everyone

i miss home. its gone really grey today. adds more gloom to my mood. ive been gloomy lately. and really really tense. exams comin and i guess its been a while since ive felt the exam high. its unfuriating.

moods [ mūd ]

n.

1. its funny how they can change from one to another in such a speed of events
2. a state of mind or emotion

chilly [ chĭl'ē ]

adj.

1. cool or cold enough to cause shivering. See synonyms of cold

its really cool here. like literally cool. its starting to rain more often now that autumns near. i like the cold chill. somehow gives me a pump of adrenaline everytime i rush to class, almost as if im more energized. or maybe cos its just me rushing for warmth indoors.
i like how things are going at a really steady pace here. as opposed to back then when it was always unsteady. it would be slow and laidback at one moment and suddenly skyrockets up to full frontal drama the next.

come n go

once yr close to someone or something, separation- something thats inevitable in our lives as we start to learn and love, would be difficult. i dont like to be so close to ppl for many reasons. besides the fact that things might be used against you as soon as u open up, its also cos i wouldnt wanna have that feeling of clinging on to someone. u face serious torture once theyre gone, kinda like a bullet hole in the heart.. or a tooth cavity that got refilled only to be 'de-holed', forever empty and squashed with all kinds of temporary plague. get the idea?
like buddha once said, and its my best favourite quote ever :
attachment to anything only leads to suffering

missus lonely

Is there snot in my nose? A piece of chicken stuck between my teeth? Or does my face simply radiate a certain kind of look that says Hey Im A Bitch Do Not Come Near Me. Cos apparently making friends is the hardest thing to do around here. Its been my third week I think and I must say the only real friend ive made here is loneliness. Somehow being the token malay chick ( as far as I’m aware of), I get the chance to tag along after people who’ve already formed their own cliques and what fun it is listening to them make their own plans and talk their own gossip, cautiously ensuring that I don’t end up joining them to their Night Safari, or whatever it is they do around here. I try so hard to be nice and friendly but it seems that that’s not enough. You either gotta be of a certain race, an airhead, a four-eyes, a ‘couple’ or anything close from the first one. What pisses me off is that I see loners just like me amongst the crowd but they seem to have no problems making friends like even when they’re freakin just standing there all by themselves people just tend to approach them and pat backs like old buddies. And there I was staring a t them agog and feeling furious at myself and the world. What is wrong with me??? I had no problems back in my country. So after hours of silent contemplation ( sorry, mom. Didn’t mean to be moody) I’ve decided to take action. In the middle of a tram ride, I swiftly picked up my mobile phone and started typing “ What are u doin this weekend.” Texts to newly-made friends. So far so good. I’ve already made shopping plans with two chicks and a tennis match with a dude this weekend. And fuck, I’m so proud of myself. But Loneliness still stands by my side. We’ll see how this goes…