theyre asleep as im typing this. or atleast, pretending to be. i dont blame them. i dont blame you. i dont blame anyone. blaming is the last thing i should be doing right now
the music seeped into my brain. pictures were moving. literally spinning. four people were sat around me, all hushed in silence and falling into their own oblivion. the music got louder, and my head spun to the music. colours getting blurry and despite having my eyes half-closed, i was falling into a dark dark pit of darkness.
i cant even get myself to listen to music anymore. im too scared.
as the darkness came nearer and nearer reality would come back, forcing me to open my eyes and realize what the fuck youre getting into.
" slow it down babe. slow it down" she muttered, laying a hand on my shoulder. but i couldnt control it any longer. back. out. in. out. in. out.
i heard snickers around me. shit, is this real? this is really fucking real. he's sitting here right in front me. the real him. and im here like the nights entertainment. a motherfucking joke thats amusing them.
suddenly the picture bursts into tiny million pieces. ah right that must be my brain cells frying themselves. everything became tiny coloourful droplets and before anything else could happen i force my eyes to open once more. focus. focusing on his eyes. the picture starts to stay still. but only his face. the three people around me were still moving. fucking scary. jesus christ
" how come youre normal? youre insanely sane!" i remember saying that to the other one. he looked calm, unlike me. my words were slurring. almost as if some other person was taking over i was unawarely saying things that were beyond my control. now i get it - word vomit.
" i dont feel so good" i tell her. and start falling into a deep state of trance again. must be the fucking music that was pumping hell into me.
" ok babe. babe." she slaps my face. " babe ur fucking pale."
i wake up. i dont feel so good, i tell her once more. she brings me to the toilet. we stumble.
i grabbed the sink and looked at myself. FUCK. FUCK FUCK JESUS FUCK
it was like staring into a bloody corpse. only it was bloodless and dying. fast.
it was like all the blood had drained off my face. i was terrified.
i dont wanna die.
nausea. vomit. she helps me. i apologize profusely. embarrassed.
i look into the mirror, trying to recognize the girl. i looked into my eyes. come on, come back. come back. u know who she is. or do u?
i had to use the toilet and send her out. she waits. and comes back in.
i felt terrible. still dizzy. about to pass the fuck out. she comforts me.
he came in, handed me a coke and went out. asks me if i was alrite. " what do u think? look at me." white glow radiated off my skin was too obvious to ignore.
a few minutes later.
" babe its ok you just took a bit too much. thers no such thing as dying out of an overdose."
" call her."
" alrite." but her phone went to voicemail. she tried a few more times. i was shit scared.
she told me sit down on the floor.
my head rested against the toilet bowl. just like in the movies. i purged again. jesus fuck , what is that-yesterdays thai food??
she decides to go. she brings me out.
i see cabs. god we're on the streets. god. oh god. please dont end this life by crashing me into a taxi. please god please.
i tried to stay careful, leaning against the safe side and pulling her away from coming too close. she was panicking. at the same time i was also thinking about the other one. him. i kept asking if he was gonna come. seeing him felt like the best thing right now. comfort. home. safe. he protected me the whole nite before this shit happened. he's the right thing to do.
fast forward and we finally reached home. i fell into bed. comfort. dizzy
he comes and i surprsingly retreated. well who wouldnt, i had just thrown up a second ago, next to my bed. gross.
" nonononono. i dont want YOU to see this." i backed away frm him as he sits down at the edge of my bed.
i look like a maniac. god. he switches off the lights and they went off to talk as i tried to sleep.
i heard him roughly clean the cups. it was solemnly quiet. i wonder what was going through his mind at that precise moment. i walk to the divider and peeped out. he looked serious.
but finally the girl calls back. and i talk to her. soothing voice putting me back into reality. we talk.
i just need reassurance. i needed someone to tell me what to do. whats the right thing to do in this kinda situation. i was afraid of falling into sleep in case there wasnt gonna be a next day.
we continue talking.
she updates me with her stories, distracting me from the devils lure and everything starts to calm down. yet i was still shivering like crazy. i held the conversation and asked for a blanket.
she came and covered me. i thought she looked rather angy.
in the end everything came down to normal. the world finally stayed still as i continue talking to her. i end the call, despite her wanting to talk some more.
but i said no i gotta brush my teeth.
ok, she said. drink loads of water. she said some other stuff but we'll get to that later.
now here i am. the next morning. theyre moving arnd in their sleep- i think its my loud typing. i dont kn ow what to say. i cant think of the right words or even a word to say to them. my head still has a bit of a blood shot feeling. thats when i feel like thers a rush of blood in my brains. hurts
im scared. i dont want to vomit again. should i drink water? dont know. thers a bucket of vomit waiting for me to give it a wash next to my bed. but im afraid to go past him in case i wake him up. he, who was asleep on the floor beside her, who was on the couch.
whats gonna happen next? guilt all over. guilt as i showered. wetting my hair seemed like the right move. guilt as i recalled the cringeworthy incidents. the vivid scenes flashing in my head. what was that? who were u?
this is so wasnt what i expected. help. im sorry
