Note of precaution..

Jus so u know, my unnamed entry (me going to some guy's house) was from a book. It did not happen in real life. It did Not.

post break up

dont be sad. be angry, and u'll be fine
thing is i aint even angry at nobody. just angry at myself for stooping so low, and inflicting pain on myself.

like eminem said lah :
'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.

envision

Sometimes when you want something so much, you tend to make it out to be something its not.

When you're longing for simplicity, it might not be as simple as it turned out to be.

The longer the wait, the more the intricacies. Ive been waiting for this for so long but now that Ive got it I dont think it's as impressive as I'd drawn it to be. The colours are faded, the lines are blurry and if anything its just a normal painting.

What I had drawn in my mind was perfect, beautiful even. And the feeling I had imagining for it to be materialized was just utter amazement. It was hard work putting the vision onto such a big canvas, it took time. But once it was complete, I stepped back and did not feel admiration.

I felt,

Honestly I just wanted to rip it apart and start a new canvas. I wanted to leave the room, splash paint all over the floor, break my paint palette and just leave.

What is it about these things that dont always turn out how you want them to be.

girl vs girl

These days it's just so hard to find a girl who prefers to talk to those of the same sex than the opposite. Call me Nancy Drew if ive investigated wrong but truth is girls are just friendlier to guys. My evidence became er, evident when i realized how few girlfriends i have compared to guys and how much friendlier the vibe is everytime im with my dudes. When boyfriend asked me one day why cant i chill with my bitches, i then retorted : cos i dont have many girlfriends.

and why is that? cos most of the girls ive met would rather be in a sausage fest than have girl talk. the bitchy gossip sesh could also be a factor. nonetheless, if one had bothered to spend time with me one would discover my aversion to insignificant chats anyway. why talk about how bad her hair dye turned out to be when sharks have been found swimming in the floods of brisbane?!

Last week, I got introduced to a girl whom Jon ( fake name used due to overuse of the words 'girlfriends' and 'dudes') described as friendly and easy to get along with. And so, preparing myself for a jovial and good-humoured ladette, I was rather disappointed yet not surprised to meet Leiya, who was talkative but her neck would somehow just crane to all directions but mine. And ofcourse, we were surrounded by a group of gentlemen at that moment.

What happened to girl power? What happened to us girls have to stick together? These days there just has to be a guy tagging along. Whats even more preposterous is that a guy somehow has to have a female best friend. Sometimes it just makes me want to yell : ARE U THAT GAY MY FRIEND? An ex of mine had a girl for a best friend and no it didnt feel like we were playin tug of war at all. A friendship of the opposite sex is clearly different than a same sex one. Firstly there are barriers to what we can and cannot do to each other (punches, air kisses etc), secondly we have different shaped genitals. Need i say more?

basically if i can ever find a decent female who, when in a room full of guys, would rather talk to me than them? then the world really is turning upside down.

world is a jungle

A wild animal dies or gets weak when it is caged. It starts to protest at first, violent and loudly screaming for freedom. But after a few days, it surrenders and slumps on the hard dirty concrete, its body looking fragile and heavy- far from what it used to be. It belongs to the wilderness, where things run naturally and everything roams free. Otherwise, youre taking away its potential. Its creativity and stimulation. What was once a king becomes a joke. The ferocious lion becomes the tame cat. When ego is bruised that way, where goes the vengeance?

give me something to write about and i'll try my best.
" okay. snow." you said. it obviously wasnt something you'd conjurred at the top of your head seeing as you had just returned from a ski holiday in Korea.

Just today in the midst of half brushing my teeth and half in-reverie, it suddenly came to me.

Life. It just snowballs past and it wont stop or wait for you. Collecting dirt, stones and scars at the same time. It starts off pure and innocent or – fresh snow, as they’d call it. Thick and untouched. Nobody knows how deep they go nor how shallow they actually are off the surface of the earth. All they see is the glistening whiteness. Ive wondered, is white even a colour? Or is it just nothingness. Kind of like the clouds you see in the sky. They're so solid against the blue background it almost looks as if you can touch the white cotton candy. But when you're in a plane and it swooshes past you, then you realise, no its just evaporated air. Snowballs make me think of an avalanche. Or perhaps just a rolling ball. Life itself is a rolling ball cum avalanche. You go through life, and go through all these experiences, picking up a layer of debris at every place to end up as this huge movie in motion. A walking cinema. A walking book. We all have our own stories. Whats yours? To this day I keep wondering...

happy birthday to me

Its 7.46 am and apart from the hustle and bustle from the two maids downstairs, everything else is quiet and asleep. Not quite sure what exactly stirred me from my sleep but I woke up without any anger or discontent so that must be a good sign. Do I feel slightly older? Not really. Okay fine maybe a little. Although my pubescent-like zit-spotted skin certainly is doing a bad job at displaying so. Usually a spot would ruin my day the instant I spot it looking back at me in the mirror (pun intended), but not today. Today I feel calm. And also carrying a bit of a back ache perhaps cos I’d slept on my back the whole night. I’m not one who often throws eminently big parties and invite gulps and gulps of names as I find that there is nothing scarier and nerve wracking than being in the spotlight. But a small luncheon with maybe five of my comrades would be just fine. Being nineteen feels… stuck. Stuck in the middle between childhood and adulthood. The big 20. My last teen. What should I do to commemorate this?

OH god I just realized that… I’ve already become a grandma with back pains