world is a jungle

A wild animal dies or gets weak when it is caged. It starts to protest at first, violent and loudly screaming for freedom. But after a few days, it surrenders and slumps on the hard dirty concrete, its body looking fragile and heavy- far from what it used to be. It belongs to the wilderness, where things run naturally and everything roams free. Otherwise, youre taking away its potential. Its creativity and stimulation. What was once a king becomes a joke. The ferocious lion becomes the tame cat. When ego is bruised that way, where goes the vengeance?

give me something to write about and i'll try my best.
" okay. snow." you said. it obviously wasnt something you'd conjurred at the top of your head seeing as you had just returned from a ski holiday in Korea.

Just today in the midst of half brushing my teeth and half in-reverie, it suddenly came to me.

Life. It just snowballs past and it wont stop or wait for you. Collecting dirt, stones and scars at the same time. It starts off pure and innocent or – fresh snow, as they’d call it. Thick and untouched. Nobody knows how deep they go nor how shallow they actually are off the surface of the earth. All they see is the glistening whiteness. Ive wondered, is white even a colour? Or is it just nothingness. Kind of like the clouds you see in the sky. They're so solid against the blue background it almost looks as if you can touch the white cotton candy. But when you're in a plane and it swooshes past you, then you realise, no its just evaporated air. Snowballs make me think of an avalanche. Or perhaps just a rolling ball. Life itself is a rolling ball cum avalanche. You go through life, and go through all these experiences, picking up a layer of debris at every place to end up as this huge movie in motion. A walking cinema. A walking book. We all have our own stories. Whats yours? To this day I keep wondering...

happy birthday to me

Its 7.46 am and apart from the hustle and bustle from the two maids downstairs, everything else is quiet and asleep. Not quite sure what exactly stirred me from my sleep but I woke up without any anger or discontent so that must be a good sign. Do I feel slightly older? Not really. Okay fine maybe a little. Although my pubescent-like zit-spotted skin certainly is doing a bad job at displaying so. Usually a spot would ruin my day the instant I spot it looking back at me in the mirror (pun intended), but not today. Today I feel calm. And also carrying a bit of a back ache perhaps cos I’d slept on my back the whole night. I’m not one who often throws eminently big parties and invite gulps and gulps of names as I find that there is nothing scarier and nerve wracking than being in the spotlight. But a small luncheon with maybe five of my comrades would be just fine. Being nineteen feels… stuck. Stuck in the middle between childhood and adulthood. The big 20. My last teen. What should I do to commemorate this?

OH god I just realized that… I’ve already become a grandma with back pains

snap

There are two types of people in this world : the one who takes the photos. And the one who’s in the photos.

The photographer. The clutching hands whose face hides behind the rectangle, only capturing what is seen and felt thru the eyes of the beholder. As simple as it may seem, pushing the button and pausing a particular moment be it a burst of emotion during that second or a light breeze that catches the hair of the girl smiling at the camera, no, pausing something so exuberant or hauntingly beautiful isn’t easy. The right angle, the right moment. The connection which links the photographer, the ambience and the model. Moulding what is etched in the photographer’s mind into an expression in the form of a picture. Making the surreal real. Reflecting emotions, statements or colours out from the photo takes effort. Effort which almost everyone enjoys doing…

The model. The limelight-laden person in the picture. The eyes that glare back at the eye of the camera, boldly challenging ,” come on, give me your best shot.” the movements, usually light and naturally fluttering away as the flashes pop. Make the wrong move and the pictures spoil. Laugh, smile. Happiness is infectious and is always a good sight. They’ll express the photographer’s ideas, at the same time ensuring that they, too, are expressed.

Frankly when I look at my pictures. Vaguely grinning or laughing away. I’d think, that’s not me. And then I’d wonder, why bother taking pictures of myself. When I cant express myself right.
Which is why half my profile or camera memory is filled with photos of my friends…

the weirdest thing happened th other day..

I admit. Guilt has been reminding me everyday tht I haven't written since dinosaurs hit the ground n stopped breathing. And denial has been soothing me by saying tht no, freida, u do not have writers block. But when thought really started to move its wheels and a fellow cappucino lover questioned me abt it, the answer shone brightly th way my eyes would whenever I see cupcakes with cream icing : Its been a while since I've felt sad. I only write when I'm sad, another friend of mine said. True, but I find it ridiculous and unfair with regards to my penning skills. Why can't I write when I'm craving for a burger? Why can't I write when I'm feeling apathethic? Or feeling frisky like tiger woods. I should be able to write whenever I like however I like goddamn it! N I shall start doing so frm this day onwards. Sure ther may b a lack of material, but atleast its better than the array of movies we've produced.I dunno if its just me, but it seems like movie directors seem to have th impression tht we have short term memory n produce movies with the same plots and 'up n coming' hotshot actors- I'm nt dropping names cos I dnt want bradley cooper to suddenly sue me but please, I cn live without another jen aniston movie. ( even the jokes are too predictable sometimes). And boy don't even get me started on their advertising people- good job to u all I must say. I can't count th number of times I've been enticed by th movie ads n only to be disappointed 30 minutes after th show began. Sorta like this post really.. Th title was just for show haha.. Ok I'm gna concentrate on econs now...

I am heart.

Tough and built strong enough to last more than a few decades- I am the opposite of my own being. Yes I pump blood into your body and I am the reason youre alive- but you, master, are simply killing me here.

I am more fragile than you think.

When youre angry, im the one that protests violently inside you. When youre sad I am the one that magically becomes a million times heavier and I weigh you down throughout the day as you stare wistfully at the grey sky. When you’ve just been hurt by someone, I am the one that inflicts an ache upon myself, self-destructing for the body I hold.
Ah yes, the heartbreak. A common activity we all do. So much so its bordering on a job cliché. Exhausting, really. It tires me because among the others, it is the most time consuming. And it saddens me to see my own body suffer. I do not understand why or how it happens – perhaps because my job is to only act but sometimes as I thud slowly and relentlessly at night, I wonder why is it that you choose to let your tears or your profuse silly thoughts lull you to sleep.. I am more fragile than you think.

thank heavens its friday

Had lunch.
Waiting for my next accounting class to start
Finally decided to choose th uni I'm going to attend. N I'm happy with my decision:)
2010 has a hell of a lot to offer and I can't wait to indulge, one by one.
The question is, are u scared of the consequences?
Man its gonna be very interesting..

updatess

Never in my life have I done so much apologizing (unless its raya I suppose) to so many people.
These past few weeks have certainly been eventful and unexpected.
Yet despite what's been happening.., I'm bored and I can't wait to go back to melbourne.
Monash or rmit?
Motto currently : fuck it
‎​Its too early for us to talk about the one. As much as I like to talk abt th future n getting married, I realize tht we've been making promises we can't really keep. N th promises is what makes us fall deep in love."

eff it

the best way to live is to be apathetic.

true story.

other than that soppy shit, im hungry. and im done with emo rants. an interesting friend of mine told me this the other day,
" do what u want. dont follow ur heart or ur brain - thats all bullshit. just do what YOU want."
n that is exactly what im going to do from now on.

so if there's a slight change of temperature to ur day, u'll know what it is..
true story.